In 2003 my first child was born. I had prepared thoroughly (I thought) for his arrival. I had taken classes on Childbirth and Newborn Care, bought a crib, borrowed a bassinet, been given many wonderful gifts to outfit my new baby and arranged for my older sister to come help me care for the new baby in the early days. To top it off I was a school social worker and was confident that I knew plenty about child development and attending to children’s emotional needs. My biggest concern (other than getting through the delivery) was whether I’d be able to change a diaper.
Well, I was in for a BIG surprise. Not only did my baby cry a lot, he also didn’t sleep like I thought a baby would. I thought that babies slept when they were tired and that all that was required was a round of “Rock a Bye Baby” before my little one would fall asleep in my arms and easily transition into his crib. Instead, in the evening hours, I was walking him around the neighborhood in a sling. Then nursing him, and then rocking him while listening to calming lullaby music, and finally gingerly laying him down in the bassinet, crossing my fingers that he’d make the transfer WITHOUT waking up. Which he seemed to do, a majority of the time, requiring me to go through many steps in the process again and again.
At “naptime” I would be walking my son around in the sling, or sitting with him next to me on the Boppy after he dozed off nursing, or driving him around in the car. I never imagined that I could set him down awake. I saw other moms doing this maneuver and was in awe (well, in other words, jealous). I read book after book: Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems, Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, the Sears and Sears Baby Book. I kept sleep and evening logs as I attempted to detect patterns and possible causes for my baby’s restlessness. I bought sheepskin blankets and lavender oil. I tried various sleep training strategies including cry it out, Ferber. I talked with my pediatrician. I cried. I was exhausted.
Finally, I read an article about Kim West, the Sleep Lady, in Parenting magazine. The author shared her own story and how Kim’s techniques helped her child learn to sleep. I looked online and found out the I could take a class from the Sleep Lady. I jumped at this. And after the class, I dived in. The sleep training wasn’t easy… it required consistency, determination, and tolerance for tears. But in the end I watched as my child learned to fall asleep on his own, without me patting, nursing, walking, rocking, or singing. It was an important parenting lesson: sometimes we have to step back and allow our child the room to struggle and learn to do something on his or her own.
Fast forward seven years. I still receive the Sleep Lady’s monthly newsletters and weekly blogs. I learn that she is developing a training program, and I sense that this is where my personal and professional lives could meet. After many hours of classes (55, to be exact) and several practice clients, I am a trained and certified Gentle Sleep Coach with a much better understanding of why my son couldn’t sleep.
Sleep is a Learned Skill In order for children to learn to sleep, it is the parents’ job to provide an environment conducive to sleep and to support their children during the process. It is something that babies must learn to do on their own without parents doing something for them. I tried every trick in the book: rocking, walking, nursing, stroking my son’s cheek, patting his back. This might have helped my son fall asleep sometimes, but it didn’t teach him how to stay asleep. A calming bedtime routine can set a child up for success as well as parents becoming attuned to their child’s “sleep windows”. All of us are influenced by a biological circadian rhythm that influences our sleep and awake time.
Sleep Begets Sleep Lack of naps doesn’t lead to a tired child who falls asleep readily and sleeps all night. It leads to an overtired child who may be amped up on cortisol, a stress hormone the body releases which keeps him awake. He may have trouble falling asleep, or he may fall asleep very easily because he is so exhausted (how many times did I say he “crashed”?) but wakes up quickly and can’t get back to sleep because he hasn’t really learned how. The better your baby sleeps during the day, the better s/he will sleep at nighttime.
Medical Issues and Temperament Can Affect Sleep Now that my son is eight years old, I know him better. I learned when he went to the dentist a few years ago that marks on his teeth are a sign of reflux. He never showed the classic signs of reflux when he was an infant: no projectile vomiting, no excessive spitting up, but I wonder if this was one of the issues that made sleep more of a challenge for him as a baby. As he has gotten older, I know that he is a sensitive person who has difficulty with transitions and reacts intensely to situations. He was also a very alert baby who was an expert at hiding his sleepy cues, so I often didn’t realize that he was tired until it was too late. Now he still needs a lot of time to wind down at the end of the day. Occasionally, he has a hard time falling asleep and needs to use some “tricks” such as counting down from 300 or picturing a “movie” inside his head.
Inconsistency Breeds Disaster In my effort to find the magic key that would unlock my son’s sleep tank, I tried many different things and responded in a multitude of different ways. These constantly changing responses served only to confuse my child and make it impossible for him to know what to expect. I imagine that when we were sleep training he was probably thinking: if I cry hard enough she’ll nurse me… well, that didn’t work, maybe I’ll cry harder and she’ll pick me up and walk me around, no, that didn’t work, maybe I should keep crying and she will let me hold her finger until I go asleep.
What I Should Have Done ·
* Decreased my child’s awake time. I was so often keeping him awake much longer than he should have been. He was such an alert baby that I was “tricked” into thinking he wasn’t tired, until it was much too late.
* Created a sleep friendly environment with black out curtains and white noise. In the newborn period babies are often more portable but as they get older they may need help tuning out the exciting outside world.
* Started a routine of Eat Activity Sleep early on rather than nursing to sleep. It is of course quite natural for newborns to doze off while they are sleeping, but look for ways to shift this cycle as babies move past the newborn phase.
* Made a plan, and stuck to it.
* Talked with my pediatrician more about my son’s sleep challenges. I tried this, but probably did not emphasize enough how difficult it was for him to take naps and sleep at night.
* Used some physical activites before bedtime to help his body relax, such as “Itsy Bitsy Yoga” or baby massage.
What Advice Would I Give Other Tired Parents?
As most parents learn, when babies don’t sleep, no one sleeps well. If you are struggling with sleep issues, know that you are not alone! There are many different paths to a good night’s sleep. Educate yourself about them and think about which one is the best fit for you and your family. If you decide to pursue “sleep training”, get support while you go through this process. Talk with other sympathetic parents and/or professionals and process the (sometimes intense) reactions that can come up as you go through it. Know that when you reach the end of this path you and your family will arrive at a place of sweet dreams.
Well, I was in for a BIG surprise. Not only did my baby cry a lot, he also didn’t sleep like I thought a baby would. I thought that babies slept when they were tired and that all that was required was a round of “Rock a Bye Baby” before my little one would fall asleep in my arms and easily transition into his crib. Instead, in the evening hours, I was walking him around the neighborhood in a sling. Then nursing him, and then rocking him while listening to calming lullaby music, and finally gingerly laying him down in the bassinet, crossing my fingers that he’d make the transfer WITHOUT waking up. Which he seemed to do, a majority of the time, requiring me to go through many steps in the process again and again.
At “naptime” I would be walking my son around in the sling, or sitting with him next to me on the Boppy after he dozed off nursing, or driving him around in the car. I never imagined that I could set him down awake. I saw other moms doing this maneuver and was in awe (well, in other words, jealous). I read book after book: Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems, Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, the Sears and Sears Baby Book. I kept sleep and evening logs as I attempted to detect patterns and possible causes for my baby’s restlessness. I bought sheepskin blankets and lavender oil. I tried various sleep training strategies including cry it out, Ferber. I talked with my pediatrician. I cried. I was exhausted.
Finally, I read an article about Kim West, the Sleep Lady, in Parenting magazine. The author shared her own story and how Kim’s techniques helped her child learn to sleep. I looked online and found out the I could take a class from the Sleep Lady. I jumped at this. And after the class, I dived in. The sleep training wasn’t easy… it required consistency, determination, and tolerance for tears. But in the end I watched as my child learned to fall asleep on his own, without me patting, nursing, walking, rocking, or singing. It was an important parenting lesson: sometimes we have to step back and allow our child the room to struggle and learn to do something on his or her own.
Fast forward seven years. I still receive the Sleep Lady’s monthly newsletters and weekly blogs. I learn that she is developing a training program, and I sense that this is where my personal and professional lives could meet. After many hours of classes (55, to be exact) and several practice clients, I am a trained and certified Gentle Sleep Coach with a much better understanding of why my son couldn’t sleep.
Sleep is a Learned Skill In order for children to learn to sleep, it is the parents’ job to provide an environment conducive to sleep and to support their children during the process. It is something that babies must learn to do on their own without parents doing something for them. I tried every trick in the book: rocking, walking, nursing, stroking my son’s cheek, patting his back. This might have helped my son fall asleep sometimes, but it didn’t teach him how to stay asleep. A calming bedtime routine can set a child up for success as well as parents becoming attuned to their child’s “sleep windows”. All of us are influenced by a biological circadian rhythm that influences our sleep and awake time.
Sleep Begets Sleep Lack of naps doesn’t lead to a tired child who falls asleep readily and sleeps all night. It leads to an overtired child who may be amped up on cortisol, a stress hormone the body releases which keeps him awake. He may have trouble falling asleep, or he may fall asleep very easily because he is so exhausted (how many times did I say he “crashed”?) but wakes up quickly and can’t get back to sleep because he hasn’t really learned how. The better your baby sleeps during the day, the better s/he will sleep at nighttime.
Medical Issues and Temperament Can Affect Sleep Now that my son is eight years old, I know him better. I learned when he went to the dentist a few years ago that marks on his teeth are a sign of reflux. He never showed the classic signs of reflux when he was an infant: no projectile vomiting, no excessive spitting up, but I wonder if this was one of the issues that made sleep more of a challenge for him as a baby. As he has gotten older, I know that he is a sensitive person who has difficulty with transitions and reacts intensely to situations. He was also a very alert baby who was an expert at hiding his sleepy cues, so I often didn’t realize that he was tired until it was too late. Now he still needs a lot of time to wind down at the end of the day. Occasionally, he has a hard time falling asleep and needs to use some “tricks” such as counting down from 300 or picturing a “movie” inside his head.
Inconsistency Breeds Disaster In my effort to find the magic key that would unlock my son’s sleep tank, I tried many different things and responded in a multitude of different ways. These constantly changing responses served only to confuse my child and make it impossible for him to know what to expect. I imagine that when we were sleep training he was probably thinking: if I cry hard enough she’ll nurse me… well, that didn’t work, maybe I’ll cry harder and she’ll pick me up and walk me around, no, that didn’t work, maybe I should keep crying and she will let me hold her finger until I go asleep.
What I Should Have Done ·
* Decreased my child’s awake time. I was so often keeping him awake much longer than he should have been. He was such an alert baby that I was “tricked” into thinking he wasn’t tired, until it was much too late.
* Created a sleep friendly environment with black out curtains and white noise. In the newborn period babies are often more portable but as they get older they may need help tuning out the exciting outside world.
* Started a routine of Eat Activity Sleep early on rather than nursing to sleep. It is of course quite natural for newborns to doze off while they are sleeping, but look for ways to shift this cycle as babies move past the newborn phase.
* Made a plan, and stuck to it.
* Talked with my pediatrician more about my son’s sleep challenges. I tried this, but probably did not emphasize enough how difficult it was for him to take naps and sleep at night.
* Used some physical activites before bedtime to help his body relax, such as “Itsy Bitsy Yoga” or baby massage.
What Advice Would I Give Other Tired Parents?
As most parents learn, when babies don’t sleep, no one sleeps well. If you are struggling with sleep issues, know that you are not alone! There are many different paths to a good night’s sleep. Educate yourself about them and think about which one is the best fit for you and your family. If you decide to pursue “sleep training”, get support while you go through this process. Talk with other sympathetic parents and/or professionals and process the (sometimes intense) reactions that can come up as you go through it. Know that when you reach the end of this path you and your family will arrive at a place of sweet dreams.
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